I'm going to put it right out there and tell you that I hated this movie. I can't think of another movie that I so strongly hated within the first ten minutes of viewing. This film has terrible writing, unbelievable dialogue, and it didn't help that I hated all four of the main cast members - and when I say "hate" I don't mean that I strongly dislike them. In this instance, I mean like I am vehemently opposed to seeing their faces. I mean like when I do see their faces, I boil over with insurmountable rage. I should also mention that I did not even finish this movie because I felt more concentrated apathy and disinterest in the first five minutes of this movie than I have in a complete year. The orange was this film and the juice that was squeezed out was 100% pure hate. One could argue that my review of said film is faulty because I did not fully evaluate the product, but that is a stupid point of view. If I bought a car that fell apart before I even got it off the lot and rated it poorly, anyone who argued with me would be an asshole. 30 Minutes or Less is a fucking terrible movie and I couldn't wait to tell everyone I know, regardless of how little I watched of it. When I first saw Schindler's List, I had missed the first 40 minutes of it and somehow it was a fantastic movie. Who knows, maybe 30 Minutes or Less turned it around and became a coherent film after the ten minutes I watched. Based on all the dick jokes in the first couple minutes, I ejected the disk, pretty sure I wasn't missing a film gem, a life-changing cinematic event. This was garbage a moron wouldn't even like.
This next section is going to get rough. Jessie Eisenberg successfully ruins another movie by having been cast. Aziz Ansari has enough screen time to remind me that I hate him, despite stepping out of his underling role on NBC's Parks and Recreation. He burns through my patience within five minutes of talking. Danny McBride and Nick Swardson rounded out my hatred for this movie only because I am angry that they are so successful in a career path where people have to look at them and listen to them. Is that fair to reflect not on their performances in this movie, but on their real-life persona? Who cares - if you can spend five whole minutes watching anything with either of these two in it, then get the fuck off my review site because you are not familiar with "good." Let me quickly round out why I hate Danny McBride and Nick Swardson: I hate Danny McBride because redneck humor starts and ends with Jeff Foxworthy, not to say that Foxworthy isn't funny (he isn't), but everything McBride contributes just seems like a disgusting visualization of joke that was previously delivered, but was delivered conversationally as a joke. Danny McBride does not tell jokes, he assaults you with a concentrated bolt of the two things he knows: dick jokes and profanity - his bread and butter. Danny McBride doesn't even act, he just shows up and his mouth spews that shit that is his films. Nick Swardson hasn't contributed anything to society that didn't involve stupid voices, urine, pot, or feces - all four pretty much average out for how I feel about him, as he goes to sleep every night, probably feeling pretty accomplished in what he has done in life. Fuck this movie and everyone in it.
Score: 0% (four out of four actors that I hate)
Written by Mike
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